BEHAVIORS THAT RESULT FROM SEXUAL ABUSE 

• Avoidance or withdrawing from sex
• Faking sexual interest or enjoyment
• Allowing sex to be forced on you
• Having unwanted sex
• Having sex while under the influence of alcohol and drugs
• Combining sex and emotional and sexual abuse
• Engaging in humiliating and sadistic sexual practices
• Having sex while half asleep
• Using pornography
• Abusive sexual fantasies
• Engaging in prostitution and visiting prostitutes
• Having sex outside primary relationships
• Having sex with near strangers
• Demanding sex from your partner
• Visiting topless, strip show and adultbook stores, and watching xrated movies
• Committing Sexual offences (rape, incest, sex with minors, voyeurism, molestation, exhibitionism)
• Making sexual slurs or sexually degrading jokes

If this list describes your present behavior, you may be unconsciously replaying or mirroring sexual abuse. Over time, these behaviors become ingrained, habitual and reinforced. 

Some of these behaviors may have developed as ways of trying to cope with deep emotions felt during the abuse such as anxiety, rage, humiliation and powerlessness.

Finally, realizing the connection between past and present sexual abuse, we gain a powerful tool to help us make positive changes.

(Adapted from The Sexual Healing Journey A Guide for Survivors of Sexual abuse by Wendy Maltz)

Let us take a moment to look at the behaviors listed above.

Avoiding Sex-

As a result of sexual abuse, survivors may have learned to withdraw from situations that have the potential to be become sexual. A married survivor might sleep in a different room or bed from her spouse. A survivor who does not have an intimate partner might refrain from courtship and dating. By avoiding sex, survivors may feel that they are protecting themselves from harmful sexual behaviors, from unpleasant sexual experiences, or from being sexually abused again.

Faking Sexual Enjoyment

Many women who are survivors pretend they are having orgasms to hide their true feelings. Like a secret world, living a life not relating sexually to person with whom she is having a relationship. Some fear we may be rejected if our partner knows that it is not easy to satisfy us. Faking enjoyment is one way we can continue to control the sexual interaction, and when our partner reaches a climax, sex stops because we faked it. However talking with your partner is the best thing, and stop faking, becasue you are only recreating the abuse situation.

Combining Sex and Emotional or Physical Abuse

As mentioned previously, revictimization remains a character flaw of survivors because the perpetrator forces us, we submit to secrecy, dominination, humiliation, betrayal or pain. We may be unconsciously drawn to these forms  of victimization. Survivors may become involved and stay involved with abusive partners because our self esteem is low and we still live in fear. 

How many of us tell ourselves, “No one else but an abusive person will want me.” Or if we meet someone who does not abuse us, we may have to give more than we are giving now. If you stay with someone who continually puts you down you will have a distorted view of yourself and continue to live in pain from the original abuse. As survivors, we must break free from abusive relationship, if it means we must stop punishing ourselves for the abuse which was not our fault.

Having  Sex When You Don’t Want To

Sexual abuse teaches submissive sex roles. Victims often learn that we will be assualted and abused more if we assert our will.  We may have felt terrified that we would be abandoned and unloved for not complying.  One survivor who was forced to have sex at knifepoint was irrationally afraid that her husband would kill her if she refused him.

Male survivors may have difficulty saying no to sex, fearing it will undermine their masculinity, which may have been threatened in the abuse. Many survivors believe that saying no is not an option for them.

How many times have we heard a woman say “we just having sex its not a relationship, its just sexual.”  Incredible many survivors cannot say no to sex, and even though it causes pain, confusion and turmoil its appealing because the survivor believes this is how she will be loved.

Giving yourself permission to say no to sex at anytime.

As a youngster growing up in Tobago, I truly believed that I couldnot say no to sexual abuse.  As I grew older and migrated to the USA  it was news to be that I could say no.  Survivors please hear this, sex is a choice, yes not only everytime, but  also throughout each encounter.  Many of us feel that once we have consented we have to go through with it, all the way. This is wrong and untrue.  Now I know how convincing some West Indian/ Caribbean/ Trinidadian or Tobagonian men can be when they want to have sex with us.   Dont worry about hurting his feelings or any other part of his body.  Denying yourself the freedom to say no to sex at anytime will only hinder your healing and rekindle all the old feelings of obligation or compulsion from the abuse. Survivors always, REMEMBER THIS RULE:  You can’t say yes until you can so no to sex at anytime. (Gail Moore)