This is a guarantee. The moment you stop pretending either with or about the person who sexually abused you, your self esteem will increase. The moment you decide to give up the pretense this is an excellent step in your healing. Those of us who continue to be in contact with our abusers, have relationships with them as though abuse never happened are only continuing the denial system that perpertrators want.

This continued pretense can be a great source of anger for survivors. Whether the contact was today, yesterday or twenty years ago survivors can still feel shame, anger and regret about not speaking up to the person who harmed us.

I talked about not wanting to see the perp when I visited my family in Tobago, but I do wish I could have confronted him, shake him, let him hear my voice. After all my diginity and honor as a young girl was a very important aspect of who I am.

We at CSA know that making such a decision requires much thoughtfulness, if you as a survivor feels or believes that this will hinder your healing, by all means don’t do it. The first rule is : Self preservation.

Lets say you are seeking financial compensation from your perpertrator for therapy bills and medical bills, then confrontation at some level may take have to take place. However the need to be courageous and the need for accountability from the perpertrator(s) can be another reason.

By the time one is ready to confront the perpertrator, it is hoped that as a survivor you have passed through different levels of healing, and not all survivors will want to do this. In dysfunctional, unhealthy families a survivor has to weigh the repersussions from her family. Your family may decide to stop talking to you for a while, this silence which has kept the perpertrator comfortable may be difficult for some survivors. On the other hand a survivor may decide that continuing to maintain this family secret is not worth it.

As survivors we cannot live in silence with what we know is true, as the old saying goes, ” the truth shall set you free”, and the desire to be free, to live honest lives is a worth the healing that you are guaranteed to have over your life. In the end why should you have carry around this dirty dog’s secret.